May 23, 2013
Some select people will understand this photo very, very soon enough. ;)
…before crashing hard into plain waters.
Okaay. I just needed to blog about this.
So for the last few days a lot of people have been telling me “Hey are things alright? You look really stressed/tired.” I’d give them a shocked look, followed by a reassuring reply that I’m fine and that nothing is wrong. Afterwards, I’d scurry off to wherever I was intending to go before my pace was interrupted. It was fine for the first few times since they could have just caught me at a really bad state by accident. But literally multiple people commented so and that’s got me thinking.
Then just now in the study room, Nosagie came up to me and asked me about a math question in our homework. It was about fractional exponents in binomial expansion, and I love math so I was very worked up about it. I was working on it and it frustrated me that I couldn’t find the solution the first time around. I looked for loopholes, and possible miscalculations, or minor errors… until Nosagie had to take the piece of paper from me, close the resources tabs I had opened, and even clear my history. I struggled to get out of his grasp since I really wanted to finish answering the problem, but he told me “no”. He said my legs were shaking and that I just looked extremely stressed, so he might as well change the topic and talk about it tomorrow instead. Then Asad came and he agreed that I was too stressed these past days. They then told me that I should relax tomorrow, and that I should go to the park and smoke weed or a cigarette. Obviously, those are not options for me. -.-” So they said I should go on a picnic or something. They really really took the time to discuss what I should do tomorrow to detoxify, and it’s good to know that I have very caring friends, but such scenario could only have happened if I’ve reached extreme situations.
Well, I personally do not feel stressed. It’s not something I actively think about. I do know that my way of thinking is very focused though. I have a free CC period? Time to polish that essay to perfection! We have a extended weekend for Whitsun break? Great, more time to prepare for exams! That is exactly how my brain works, and most (not all) of the time spent specifically on leisure makes me very uncomfortable, as if I am wasting my time. True, I still sometimes find myself going through random Tumblr posts for half an hour and I don’t mind, but I would always think twice of going out to the park with friends, for example.
I don’t know if this is a bad thing or not because I really don’t see anything wrong with working my butt off now for a better future. I think a lot of other people are doing it so I must not slack off in this race. I thought I was still doing perfectly okay and I never really felt this change on my physical state until people started pointing it out. What I did notice is that I’ve become rather emotionless recently… but I’ve always attributed it to other depressing things that I have been going through such as the graduation of the second years in less than a week.
What’s worse is that even at this rate, I still feel like I am not doing my best and that I am still lagging compared to other students in the rest of the world. *sigh* I don’t know what to do now; I don’t know if I should live life happily or efficiently. Should there even be a difference?
Obviously the answer is for me to accept that there are certain things out of my control so I should just not stress about those things. I know that. Heck, that’s even what my Dad said:
But for the things that I know I CAN control, shouldn’t I work extra hard on those? Shouldn’t I give those my all? Besides, how can we know for sure which things are out of our hands? Where does the controllable end and the uncontrollable start? My head is hurting, ayayay.
Have I mentioned that I really aspired to become an astronomer before? I wanted to fall into the vast sky and be swallowed in its beauty.
Now I realize that such dream is what one could call a “sweet nothing”, as I found so much happiness in something that I knew I couldn’t really hold onto for long.
So this is the partial tally of the votes in the place where my old boarding school stands.
Apart from the fact that they have been governing over the 4th district for generations and the region still has yet to live in its fullest potential, I don’t have much against the Fuentebellas. I mean, I’m so used to political dynasties now that I don’t have a problem with them anymore. (Relatively, of course, since there are bigger problems that we should focus on. I still think though that people shouldn’t fall into the trap of trusting candidates solely because they bear a household name. *coughs* Binay *coughs* )
But come on.. Aga Muhlach? I honestly don’t know about these actors-turned-politicians. However, I am not one to bash a person even before he takes his seat in the congress so I won’t criticize him on a final note just yet.
I’m very curious to see how things will go, but I have to admit that I am a bit skeptical as to whether Filipinos have really learned their lesson on elections, or whether this can even possibly be a result of intellectual voting.
One of my favorite people in the boarding house came back yesterday from GREECE with a really mean tan!
A random person even asked her there if she was Filipino. Haha! In fairness, our skin tones are quite similar now, no?
April 13, 2013
Happy birthday to my only second year roommate! Yipee!
Meanwhile, elections are going on back home. I wish everyone voted responsible and good politicians!