…before crashing hard into plain waters.
Okaay. I just needed to blog about this.
So for the last few days a lot of people have been telling me “Hey are things alright? You look really stressed/tired.” I’d give them a shocked look, followed by a reassuring reply that I’m fine and that nothing is wrong. Afterwards, I’d scurry off to wherever I was intending to go before my pace was interrupted. It was fine for the first few times since they could have just caught me at a really bad state by accident. But literally multiple people commented so and that’s got me thinking.
Then just now in the study room, Nosagie came up to me and asked me about a math question in our homework. It was about fractional exponents in binomial expansion, and I love math so I was very worked up about it. I was working on it and it frustrated me that I couldn’t find the solution the first time around. I looked for loopholes, and possible miscalculations, or minor errors… until Nosagie had to take the piece of paper from me, close the resources tabs I had opened, and even clear my history. I struggled to get out of his grasp since I really wanted to finish answering the problem, but he told me “no”. He said my legs were shaking and that I just looked extremely stressed, so he might as well change the topic and talk about it tomorrow instead. Then Asad came and he agreed that I was too stressed these past days. They then told me that I should relax tomorrow, and that I should go to the park and smoke weed or a cigarette. Obviously, those are not options for me. -.-” So they said I should go on a picnic or something. They really really took the time to discuss what I should do tomorrow to detoxify, and it’s good to know that I have very caring friends, but such scenario could only have happened if I’ve reached extreme situations.
Well, I personally do not feel stressed. It’s not something I actively think about. I do know that my way of thinking is very focused though. I have a free CC period? Time to polish that essay to perfection! We have a extended weekend for Whitsun break? Great, more time to prepare for exams! That is exactly how my brain works, and most (not all) of the time spent specifically on leisure makes me very uncomfortable, as if I am wasting my time. True, I still sometimes find myself going through random Tumblr posts for half an hour and I don’t mind, but I would always think twice of going out to the park with friends, for example.
I don’t know if this is a bad thing or not because I really don’t see anything wrong with working my butt off now for a better future. I think a lot of other people are doing it so I must not slack off in this race. I thought I was still doing perfectly okay and I never really felt this change on my physical state until people started pointing it out. What I did notice is that I’ve become rather emotionless recently… but I’ve always attributed it to other depressing things that I have been going through such as the graduation of the second years in less than a week.
What’s worse is that even at this rate, I still feel like I am not doing my best and that I am still lagging compared to other students in the rest of the world. *sigh* I don’t know what to do now; I don’t know if I should live life happily or efficiently. Should there even be a difference?
Obviously the answer is for me to accept that there are certain things out of my control so I should just not stress about those things. I know that. Heck, that’s even what my Dad said:
But for the things that I know I CAN control, shouldn’t I work extra hard on those? Shouldn’t I give those my all? Besides, how can we know for sure which things are out of our hands? Where does the controllable end and the uncontrollable start? My head is hurting, ayayay.